Tamára Lunardo

Author & Editor



June 2012



Dear Thong: A Break-up Letter

Written by , Posted in humor, life

Dear Thong,

I think we both know this has been a long time coming. I tried to love you; I really did. But– and I know this is harsh– I really don’t even like you at all. And it’s not me; it’s you.

I tried for years to pretend things were okay with us– I went about my business, usually with other undergarments, and you turned a blind eye, keeping to yourself in the back of the underwear drawer. But we were never really okay, were we?

Sure, I’d turn to you when I felt like the occasion really called for it– you made me think I needed you once in a while. You made promises that you could never keep, and I kept trying to believe them because I wanted them to be true. But only a fool keeps believing what she’s seen disproved, and I’m nobody’s fool. Not anymore.

You held the shame of Visible Panty Line over my head, but you failed to mention that you show lines of your own, didn’t you? And these,  much more egregious in their tell-tale signs than a modest panty line because they don’t just show that I’m wearing underwear– they show exactly where I’m not. You thought you had me captive with your threats of VPL, but you underestimated me: The surest way to not show panty lines is to not have any at all.

How you like them apples?

That’s right– if I can’t go with a cute, butt-covering pair of undies, then I’m going commando. I just don’t need you anymore. I don’t need to worry about your popping mortifying whale tails at the most inopportune times (you never did care about being decent in public, did you?), and I certainly don’t need your massive discomfort.

Oh, I know what the other girls have said. I’ve heard all their declarations of how comfy you are and how they just looooove you and how they could never go back to anything else. I’m not here to judge– their underwear choice is between them and their jeans. But I don’t buy that “comfort” bullshit, not for a minute. Maybe you make them feel sexy. Maybe they’ve bought your insidious VPL lie. Maybe they just looooove the feel of a perpetual fucking wedgie. I don’t care– they can have you.

I am done.

I need underwear that make me feel like an attractive woman, not a strung-up marionette. I need underwear that are there for me in a very real way– in a way you could never be, never even wanted to be. I need underwear that will cover my ass, not ride it.

So this is it for us– we’re over. You can leave, and take that hussy of a push-up bra you like to cozy up with in the back of the drawer with you on your way out.

You are never getting in my pants again.


  • http://heybrowatchthis.wordpress.com heybrowatchthis

    made me Laugh out loud. for real.

    • http://deborahbryan.wordpress.com Deborah the Closet Monster

      Seconded. And I mean that as re: both the comment and the post!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1553906570 Karen Moret Harrison

    Oh, Praise God from whom all blessings flow! I have felt like such a dowager for not wearing butt floss. I hated them the first, second, and third time I tried them.

    My theory is: usually when something has been in my crack, I throw it away. I don’t wash it and put it back there. And that doesn’t even factor in the discomfort.

    I never felt sexy because usually pulling underwear (Going to the movies?) out of my crack is waaay down on the list of Things That Make Me Feel Sexy.

    When did a VPL become such a sin, a fashion faux pas? Maybe during the years I was taking care of babies and didn’t care? Anyway, thanks for making me laugh and feel vindicated at the same time!

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      “Dowager” and “butt floss” in the same sentence– I’m dying!

  • Eric

    (opens bottle and pours on the ground) this one is for the homies we lost… We’ll miss you.

  • http://asoulswalk.wordpress.com asoulwalker

    As I pour out this forty on the grave of foolish fantasies (but don’t worry, not of you) between my laughter and tears, I remember the good times… at which point I realize there really weren’t any… oh but I do love awkward…

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      You and Eric are too funny. I didn’t kill the Thong; I just kicked it out. 🙂

  • http://gravatar.com/throughgrayeyes Through Gray Eyes

    ROFL…I hate thongs. I hate flipping through a Victoria’s Secret catalog and see thongs made of strings of pearls or rhinestones. I think, “Oh my goodness! What if that breaks and somehow one of those rhinestones gets lodged up in there?!”

    Nah, I’ll stick to my regular choice.

    This was an eye opening first blog of the morning LOL.

  • http://christiannoob.wordpress.com Frank “The Christian Noob” Olvera

    congrats… not the best of undergarments… rather have a whip for sexy 🙂

  • alisewrite

    “That’s right– if I can’t go with a cute, butt-covering pair of undies, then I’m going commando.”

    Damn right. I discovered this a couple of years ago and will never, ever allow a thong to (dis)grace my derriere again.

  • http://jeandayfriday.wordpress.com jeandayfriday

    Finally the truth is revealed about the thong! I broke up with the thong about two years ago. The perpetual wedgie finally got to me. Friends said things like “how could you” and “your undie line is going to show.” But the truth is I have never looked back. Bye, bye thong!

  • carolyn downs

    freaking hilarious! Love it and amen!!!

  • http://simplyjan.wordpress.com simplyjan

    Haha! Amen and Amen, Sister!

  • Sarah H.

    So glad you’ve got your funny-post groove back. And without a wedgie in it!

  • http://sheddfullofthoughts.wordpress.com Matt Shedd

    When the title to this post came up in my reader, I had that sensation that you get when you open the bathroom door really needing to pee and discover that your sister-in-law didn’t lock the door…heart racing, eyes closed trying to back away without hitting your head on anything and praying that she never brings it up again…

    …so thanks for that.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      The funniest part of this is that you walked right on in to that metaphorical bathroom anyway, didntcha? You’re welcome.

      • http://sheddfullofthoughts.wordpress.com Matt Shedd

        well I really had to pee!

    • http://asoulswalk.wordpress.com asoulwalker


  • http://ironicmom.wordpress.com Leanne Shirtliffe

    Bwahaha. Hilarious!

    I can go both ways on this one. The key is to buy thongs one size bigger than your normally wear. I learned this one living in Bangkok (I know…of course I did…) where I was so hot all the time (especially while pregnant with twins) my goal was to have as little touching my body as possible. Yes, maternity thongs exist…

    Thanks for the morning laugh, T!

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      So many IYKWIMs here… 😀

      • http://ironicmom.wordpress.com Leanne Shirtliffe

        Ha. There were. Must were intentional but the found its own way in…

        • http://ironicmom.wordpress.com Leanne Shirtliffe

          Oops. That should say “But the ODD ONE found its own way…”

  • Jamie

    THANK YOU! I made Jay read this so he would know I am NOT the only woman who doesn’t wear thongs and feels sexy wearing butt covering, even if only partial, underwear.

  • http://twitter.com/MagnoliasWest Sue Kearney (@MagnoliasWest)

    what a gorgeous refreshing post! Thank you…from the bottom of my post-menopause heart…!

  • http://www.theisleofman.net Kevin Haggerty

    (Inserts a couple of creepy sentences and then pretends it’s cool because you were writing about underwear) – Random “funny” guy


    • http://asoulswalk.wordpress.com asoulwalker

      Double plus ha!

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      Well played, sir. You say so much without saying anything at all.

      • kevinrhaggerty

        Subtle, no? 🙂

  • http://reconcilingviewpoints.wordpress.com reconciling viewpoints

    In the endeavor to avoid VPL, you found PFW, which may be TMI, but it still had me ROFL.

    The new feminist. She doesn’t burn her bra, she burns her thongs and goes “Commando”.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      Exactly. 😉

  • http://fortheloveofus.wordpress.com Sheri Fuchs

    I don’t like VPL, and thongs can get stuck where I don’t want them. Commando wins! I think it’s one of the reasons my guy married me.

  • Cris

    I gave up the thong a few years ago but can’t quite bring myself to go commando. For those of you who need a little more, um, containment, I have fallen in love with lace-back panties (Victoria’s Secret pink collection is where I found mine.) They keep you where you need to be but don’t have VPL. And if you need to feel sexy, they’re see-through, so that’s covered!

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      Thanks for the tip, Cris! I’m gonna have to check these out.

      And now the internet knows even more about my underwear than I ever thought possible.

  • Thoughts AfterDark Lounge

    Lmao…this had me laughing all kinds! Loved it.

  • http://iamjakz.wordpress.com Jakz

    I have a neighbor who’s license plate is “GOCMNDO.” I always assumed it was the guys idea. After today… I really need to remember to never assume anything.

    Thanks for the laughs today!

  • http://gravatar.com/sharidethsmith Sharideth Smith

    “…perpetual fucking wedgie.”

    will you marry me?

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      Probably. But I won’t be wearing undies under my wedding dress.

  • Christina

    Loved your thong post. I thought I was the only one that broke up with them. It kinda made me feel old to stop wearing them. I went cold turkey when my OBGYN looked me in my face and told me that she didn’t understand why women would wear something that “whicked shit up into their vagina.” Um…..Gross!!!!! Personally, I would rather keep my shit where it belongs! Nasty!

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      And THAT is the final nail in the coffin.

      Hahahahahaha! So gross!

  • http://goguiltypleasures.wordpress.com Go Jules Go

    Ha ha! Amen, Tamára! I hope the thong(s) hear you and try banding together to turn themselves into actual underwear.

    And P.S. – I just came across Joessh*ttyideas.com today, too – AMAZING!

  • http://leannepenny.wordpress.com leannepenny

    You go commando girl, we find another way in which you are just more hardcore than me. I’m still sticking with the VPL threat, but I would ask that you pray for my freedom from their tyrannical reign.

    I love how I got nervous about posting about bra shopping on twitter Saturday and you go full Thong on a Monday. Classic!

    In other news, I will never break up with a push up bra, I plan on having boobs that brush my chin when I’m in a nursing home.

    • http://happyhippierose.wordpress.com happyhippierose

      hahaha, you made me legit LOL. re: push-up bras, i am the same way! i go bra-less as much as possible when i’m at home. but when i actually have to put one on, there are only two kinds: my sports/training bras and my push-ups! there is no in-between.

      kinda like shoes. all or nothing: they’re either flat or they’re six inch heels. none of that kitten heel stuff for me.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      Well here’s the thing about push-up bras: I like lift as much as the next gal, but it is just beyond me why bra manufacturers feel the need to include two inches of stuffing inside anything over a B cup. I want my girls elevated, not suffocated. So yes, give me a push-up bra, but not a freakin’ pillow.

      • http://joycannis.wordpress.com Joy

        I know, right?!
        When you’re a D, you don’t need any padding!
        I love it, “I want my girls elevated, not suffocated.”

    • http://joycannis.wordpress.com Joy

      Hahaha! Oh, you gals make me laugh! I’m sticking with my hanky panky’s!

  • http://davwalk.wordpress.com David N. Walker

    This whole discussion underlines (not undielines) why women are so much more interesting than men. We just grab a pair and go.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      Ha! Well now I’m gonna see if I can rope a guy into guest posting for me about boxers, briefs, and boxer-briefs. 😉

      • http://joycannis.wordpress.com Joy

        YES! Please do! And they must address the question to clarify the myth of creating boys or girls. You know, tighty whities make girls and boxers make boys.

  • http://happyhippierose.wordpress.com happyhippierose

    Attagirl!! Welcome to the good side of life!

    Oh I told thongs to take a hike years and years ago, I might own one or two pair at this point… and all they do is collect dust. They’re just so uncomfy.

    I totally wear full coverage bottoms – but not granny panty style, still cute ones. You can still be cute/sexy and comfy, I swear it’s possible.

    And commando? Aww yeah, let your freedom ring!

  • http://symonefowler.wordpress.com SymoneF

    so happy I’m not the only one feeling this way! excellent post!

  • http://symonefowler.wordpress.com SymoneF

    Reblogged this on Just A Dash and commented:
    She says it all!

  • pastordt

    This made me laugh out loud – on a day when I really need to do exactly that! I know I am old and that I’m too large a person for such panties – but I gotta say – I NEVER understood their appeal to anyone, for all of the various reasons noted above, most especially your reference to the whale-tail, which I’ve seen far too often! Always fun at church, you know – invites all kinds of interesting discussion points. Thanks for the laugh.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      (Psst, I wanted to write this post last week but just wasn’t up for doing humor. Then I saw a thong panty line at church on Sunday, and what can I say? It was inspirational.)

  • Anonymous

    I wouldn’t dare. You have too many witty fans. What fun!

  • http://randomlychad.com Chad Jones

    I’m showing my age a bit here, but when I was a kid a thong was one half of a pair of summertime shoes. Just sayin’.

    Also, the other night my wife and I witnessed a fashion faux pas I can only describe as “torpedo tits.” At about the same time we entering a grocery store, so was this other woman. A rather well-endowed woman. She was wearing what looked like a terry cloth tube top. It was white, and she had no bra on. How could we tell? She was rather well endowed–and her girls were standing at attention.

    It wasn’t cold out.

    Her rack may not have been my problem, but it was well-nigh impossible not to notice it.

  • http://meetthebuttrams.wordpress.com Meet the Buttrams

    Here’s my secret: you don’t get panty lines if you wear GIANT granny panties. Like, the ones I bought to wear during pregnancy. Like, the ones I pull out and for a split second think someone stashed a miniature parachute in my underwear drawer. Like, the ones that take up 87% of your upper body.

    Somehow, those work for me.

    And now you know my underwear preference. It’s solidified. We are now BFFs.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      This is the best. Ever.

  • http://thesongofallsongs.wordpress.com katmorrissette

    Boy shorts also eliminate VPL as well as covering your butt! They’re awesome. And also kind of sexy, too.

    • http://happyhippierose.wordpress.com happyhippierose

      i think those are technically the kind i wear. they’re the best!

  • http://communicatingacrossboundaries.wordpress.com Marilyn

    Hahahahaha! I never went out with them so I don’t have to break up, although I’ve been propositioned many times. You have convinced me I made the right decision and I’m passing this on to those who told me that I haven’t lived until I try them.

  • MattyGFresh

    I’m sure your niche thanks you.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      Win. Game over.

  • http://fallingfromthether.wordpress.com gentlemenbrown

    Wow, and I thought thongs were sandles. The internet really is a vast source of information!

  • http://scream911.wordpress.com youhavemyword

    This is exquisite in an uncomfortable-mind-images kind of way! Bahahahaha! Everyone needs to read this, you are officially hilarious. Totally agree, oh my gosh!

  • http://rasjacobson.com Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson

    Dear Tamára: It’s me, Thong. I don’t like how things have ended between us. Seriously, just like men, when it comes to thongs, there are good ones and ones that are real pains in the you know what. You have to listen to Leanne. I know it’s hard to buy a size up, but we shrink. And that’s never good when it comes to the nether region. Also, you need to get a particular kind from Victoria’s Secret. You shouldn’t expect to get a good man from a crack house, neither should you hope to find a good thongs at Walmart. Part of this is on you. Hey, if you want to go commando, fine. But that has dangers of its own. Like wind. Wind suddenly becomes the enemy. And dogs. I’m just saying, we could have been something. Just like a good friend, a good thong is hard to find. Maybe we could have talked about this before you just tossed me out. I’ll be at the mall, but only for a limited time. Some lucky lady gonna scoop me up and love me like you never did.
    Hope you find a better fit..
    Thong-th-thong-thong Thong

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamára

      Ohhh, you smooth talker! 😉

  • mdprincing

    I never understood why anyone would want a strip of fabric flossing their ass all day, sure your butts look great but they do in classic lingere too.

    Thanks for the laugh this morning, enjoy your writing

  • http://joycannis.wordpress.com Joy

    Genius. Absolute genius.

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