Grab Somebody Sexy, Tell ‘Em What?!
Thanks to the premature and highly inconvenient demise of my car’s CD player, coupled with my inability to drive without a soundtrack, I’ve been forced to listen to the radio lately. This has resulted in repeated brain pukes as well as frequent outbursts of exasperation. (One of my two-year olds recently announced, “I don’t like this song!” and her twin demanded, “Put on Chuck Ragan!” For my part, I usually just threaten the radio with death.)
It has also resulted in slight alarm.
When I started paying attention to some of the abundant lyrics about the dating scene, I wondered just what the f— was going on. And then I realized: Exactly.
These songs toss around the word “love,” but it’s pretty clear that’s not what they’re looking for. And I wonder, if anyone really said these things to each other, could it ever possibly end well? Imagine, for instance, an enactment of Pitbull’s (and many, many friends’) “Give Me Everything”:
Man approaches woman he’s never seen before, considers her to be sexy, grabs her per song’s advice: “Hey. I want all of you tonight. Give me everything tonight. For all we know we might not get tomorrow. Let’s do it tonight.”
Woman reaches for pepper spray; man offers disclaimer: “Excuse me, but I might drink a little bit more than I should tonight, and I might take you home with me if I could tonight, and, baby, Imma make you feel so good tonight.”
Man repeats rationale/threat for good measure: “‘Cause we might not get tomorrow.”
Woman grows concerned that perhaps apocalypse is indeed approaching; considers offer: “I want you tonight; I want you to stay.”
Man gets nervous, lays all his cards on the table: “I can make you feel right, baby. Can’t promise tomorrow, but I promise tonight.”
Woman goes home. Man kills his radio.
What’s the most ridiculous pick-up line you’ve ever heard? Tell me now. We might not get tomorrow.