Tamára Lunardo

Author & Editor

Tuesday

24

May 2011

60

COMMENTS

Normal with a Slight Chance of Rapture

Written by , Posted in faith, humor, life, Uncategorized

Rapture Day 2011 has come and gone and I think we’re mostly all still here. But let me tell you– it was a close call.

As a literate Westerner with access to basic media, I was aware of the May 21 prediction. I was fairly convinced that if Jesus didn’t have the Apocalypse marked on his calendar, Harold Camping couldn’t really be expected to bear such heavy scheduling burdens. Still, I try not to be an asshole and laugh at misguided people. So I viewed Saturday as Normal with a Slight Chance of Rapture.

The day was nearly over with nary an abandoned car sighting, and I went about getting ready for bed as usual. I took my anti-anxiety medication so that I wouldn’t clench and grind my teeth in my sleep (I know, I’m adorable), and I noticed an unusual, bitter taste. I guess the capsule must’ve loosened and some of the medication had slipped out.* It was gross, but what are you going to do?  I carried on with my routine and got in the shower.

Almost right away, I started to feel a little nauseated. Then dizzy. My heart felt like it was running away. I called out the bathroom to my husband, “I’m crazy hungry! Do we have any granola bars?! The crunchy kind! Not the chocolate kind! CAN YOU GET ME ONE?!”

Heeding my loud and specific dietary request, Bryan met me back in the bedroom with growing concern. I recounted my worsening symptoms, scarfed the granola bar, agreed to his offered water, and began considering the very real possibility that I was under cardiac arrest.

“Remember the email your mom sent about how women’s heart attacks have different symptoms? Do you think I’m having a heart attack?! What’s wrong with me?! SOMETHING’S WRONG!”

“I AM SO HUNGRY!”

With the non-chocolate crunchy granola bar now starting to soak up medication released far too quickly into my bloodstream, my dizziness began to abate. So I headed for the kitchen.

Pissed that there were no more granola bars of my precise desire, I resigned myself to Ritz Toasted Chips: Dairyland Cheddar and a Sam’s-Club-sized bag of Craisins. I sat in bed shoving the chips by fours into my mouth and tossing back uncounted handfuls of the Craisins.**

Poetically licensed re-creation. Dairyland Cheddar chips and non-chocolate crunchy granola bar were long since eaten.

Having decided that 911 was at least momentarily an unnecessary call to make, Bryan observed my attack of the munchies with cautious amusement: “I haven’t seen you eat like this since you were pregnant.”

And then shit got weird.

Our son came in to our room having a night terror. This happens to him sometimes and it’s always freaky, but that night, almost immediately, our oldest daughter also came in to our room in some kind of delirious state. There was no way it was because she’d heard him get up– her room is on the other floor, on the opposite end of the house from his.

Lost in his night terror, our son stretched out his hands and asked with plaintive desperation for me to give him food for the next day, while our daughter absently lolled her head back on Bryan’s chest. And I wondered aloud through a mouthful of chips whether we might, in fact, be being raptured.

I like to think that normally I’m a rather attentive mother in these types of situations, but I could see that the children were coming out of their freakishly timed episodes and that their dad had things under control, at least insofar as one can have things under control in a potentially end-times scenario. So I headed back to the kitchen for another bag of Ritz Toasted Chips, this time of the Sweet Home Sour Cream & Onion variety (thank Publix for BOGO munchies).

Bryan got the kids back to bed while I worked intently on my fourth snack of the hour. When we were sitting together again, a fly went past, and I took note: “It’s a bug! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

And when my wise husband spoke, I knew with relief that I had escaped the Apocalypse, at least for the night: “I think you’re high.”

But let me tell you– I feel for those failed-prediction folks. Getting up for church the next morning was a bitch.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Moral Disclaimers That Make Me Feel Better About Myself:

*Never in my life have I used recreational drugs (Hi, Mom!). This is a story of my accidentally getting high. Just say, “No,” kids.

**I am not pro-bed-snacking. It leaves crumbs.

  • Mom

    Ha ha ha! What a crazy night! Sounds like your household was a bit like the “funny farm”. (you know the song that goes “They’re coming to take me away – ha ha, he he,ho ho – to the funny farm…”) Poor Bryan putting up with all you loopy, kooky people! He he he!

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Yeah, it’s funny *now*!

  • http://helightsmylife.wordpress.com beka

    ohh my gosh, this is my favorite post by you.
    🙂
    what a lovely mom you have. kinda sounds like mine…..
    those snack mentions are making me HUNGRY! off i go. thanksabunch,
    🙂

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Thanks. My mom is awesome. Enjoy your binge.

  • http://imonthebandwagon.wordpress.com imonthebandwagon

    haha great post! really funny!

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Thanks. Visited your site. I want to take all those English accents home with me in a basket.

  • frogla

    I love your sense of humor. Thnx I needed to LOL.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Hey, if you can’t laugh at misguided church folk, you can at least laugh at the stoned ones.

  • Bryan

    Loved it – perfect re-telling of that story. I had forgotten I let you get up on your own to get more food. Bad husband of a druggie 🙂

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      At least you brought me a non-chocolate crunchy granola bar. It’s the small things, babe.

  • http://www.alise-write.com Alise

    Accidental altered states are generally kicks and giggles for SOMEONE. When I was watching the finale to Next Iron Chef with my daughter and wasn’t really paying attention to my wine glass and ended up getting pretty tipsy. Drunk texting your bestie while watching the Food Network is just weird.

    It doesn’t sound like your experience was super fun for you, but thanks for sharing it with us so WE could at least laugh!

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Well at least I thought the fly was frickin’ hilarious.

  • http://www.inamirrordimly.com ed cyzewski

    A drug-induced apocalypse? This could explain a lot. Maybe Harold Camping just needs to change his medicine?

    Thanks for sharing this. I think I’ll need to keep a stash of chips and granola bars on hand in the future just in case the rapture makes me hungry. It makes sense. That’s a loooooong way to travel. 🙂

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Just make sure you have some non-chocolate crunchy options.

  • http://messiahmom.wordpress.com kristinherdy

    You accidentally wandered into an interesting situation for a hilarious post. I’m glad that your momentary rapture included Craisins. I love those things! They’re great in spinach salad with pecans and feta. Ooh, now I’m craving salad — I wonder if I’m high?

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      “Momentary rapture” sounds way more fun than it really was.

  • http://www.etsy.com/shop/the2thieves Wendi

    Oh my! Sounds like you had the adventure.

    We were in Target in Savannah when the rapture was supposed to happen. Every noise that was unfamiliar to me clicked some weird switch in my head that made me think, “oh my gosh, it’s happening!” I’m not even one of those people who believe that we can calculate the end of the world (“like a thief in the night….”). But even so, I wouldn’t let my husband out of my sight or reach of hand.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Glad you made it out of Target alright. I always spend too much there.

  • http://meetthebuttrams.wordpress.com Meet the Buttrams

    So. Incredibly. Awesome.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Right on, dude.

  • http://ironicmom.wordpress.com Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom)

    You make me laugh. Its at your expense, but only because I know you’re okay!

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Well, “okay” is relative when you’re dealing with a girl like me. But I’m definitely at least sober.

      • http://ironicmom.wordpress.com Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom)

        Re: “I’m definitely at least sober.” Do you mean now? or normally? 😉

        • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

          Yes.

  • http://christiannoob.wordpress.com The Christian Noob (n00b)

    just for laughs… only in NYC!
    http://ow.ly/i/bV4n

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Fantastic.

      • http://christiannoob.wordpress.com The Christian Noob (n00b)
      • http://christiannoob.wordpress.com The Christian Noob (n00b)

        By the way, you take anti-anxiety medication? You look so normal. So what do you take — fluoxetine hydrochloride (HCl) or something better? I take two 20mg capsules of fluoxetine hydrochloride every morning and sometimes I need MORE!

  • http://evo.dmlcorp.net DmL

    Might want to let Bryan check your pills from now on. : )

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Now what would be the fun in that? 😉

      • Bryan

        Unless Bryan orchestrated a controlled experiment to see if Tamara would notice other substances in her pills. Not saying he would, but if it made for an interesting story…

        • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

          I would kick his ass and he knows it.

  • http://Www.sixringcircus.com Annie

    This is great. So glad we are all still here so I can keep reading your posts. 🙂

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Aw, thanks. Glad you’re still here reading!

  • http://coexistdocumentary.org Adam

    I am so glad that you were not raptured so that we may continue to enjoy your brilliant storytelling about the HIGHlights of your life.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Thanks, I’m glad too. Writing is a trip. 😉

  • http://www.comedyoferrers.com Marianne Hansen Rencher

    I did the same with Delsym. My kids’ pediatrician recommended it. I was drugged for two days but didn’t cough the WHOLE time.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      I think the question on everyone’s mind is, “Did you get the munchies?” We need to weigh our options here.

  • http://facebook.com Cindy Holman

    This is hilarious! Reminds me of the other night when my son came in all freaked out and had signs of having a stroke – only to find out much later that he was having a severe migraine! I wrote an article about it yesterday – and at the time it was really NOT funny. My husband is NEVER home when all the family emergencies take place.

  • http://heresyofthemonth.typepad.com/blog/ Bill Sergott

    I don’t have much to say, other than I love this story and love your writing. You are 80’s AWESOME! BTW, you should check out my latest post for a picture of me in my full 80’s mullet!

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Oh, dude. Not only the mullet, but the backwards cap. Rad.

      • http://heresyofthemonth.typepad.com/blog/ Bill Sergott

        Oh, yeah. I OWNED the 80’s. But I have to say: Dude. Reading your post was, like, John Cusack movie awesome. 😉

  • http://robshep.com Rob Shepherd

    I promise I read and enjoyed the entire post but the line, “So I viewed Saturday as Normal with a Slight Chance of Rapture” stuck in my brain like a Justin Bieber song…er wait…I don’t listen to Bieber. My point is that was a funny line.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      If you turn my words into a song, I will pay you ten millioncajillion dollars. But I’d get 100% of the royalties.

  • http://rasjacobson.wordpress.com Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson

    Tamara, this is hilarious. I know I’m late to the party. I swear, I feel like I’m always late to the party lately, but here I am… laughing with you. And at you. Kind of. Sorry, but you are just so damn funny. And cute. 😉

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      You can keep being late as long as you keep calling me cute when you arrive. 🙂

  • http://mattshedd.blogspot.com Matt S

    I laughed so much at this! “And then shit got weird” may be the greatest description of an accidental high on fake Rapture day possible!

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      “An accidental high on fake Rapture day” may be the greatest description of this post possible. 🙂

  • http://asalinguist.wordpress.com limr

    Last weekend, my 2 sisters and I flew to Florida to surprise our 4th sister for lunch. None of us are particularly good flyers, but I usually deal with the panic with a good ol’ fashioned leather strap to bite down on. Metaphorically, that is. What I actually do is clutch the arms of the seat so hard that the impressions take about 2 hours to go away.

    One of my sisters, however, takes what we decided should be called Airplane Candy. It’s not Xanax but something like it. She offered me what amounted to about 1/4th a regular dose. I couldn’t figure out what I was more scared of: the take off or the drugs! And your experience of being accidentally high is exactly what I’m afraid of!!

    For the record, I took the tiny fraction of a pill, didn’t get freaked out or incredibly hungry, and did in fact, feel remarkably calm about the whole flying thing. Huh. Who’d’a thunk?

    But my real question for you is about that cup in the picture. Are you a fellow Gator fan??

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Class of ’02, baby! Go, Gators!

  • http://asalinguist.wordpress.com limr

    LS ’92 here. Woot! I bleed orange and blue! 😉

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  • http://rasjacobson.com Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson

    I like it the second time around, too! 😉

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamara

      Thanks!

  • http://gravatar.com/nsabucco nysabucco

    I have read this post twice today…it is so stinkin’ funny! I hope to one day be at least half the story-teller you are.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.com/ Tamara

      Aw, thanks so much! Glad you’ve been getting a kick out of it.

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  • http://scream911.wordpress.com scream911

    This post was a trip! Toooooo funny! Do trust you’ve avoided any further… um… “accidental” substance consumption.

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