Tamára Lunardo

Author & Editor

Monday

30

August 2010

20

COMMENTS

Now Serving B*tches and *ssholes

Written by , Posted in humor, life, Uncategorized

I can’t say it any better than Anne Lamott:  “Toddlers can make you feel as if you have violated some archaic law in their personal Koran and you should die, infidel.” When you have twin toddlers, this is an especially frightening phenomenon. One furious small person is a struggle; a matching set of them is Game Over.

My twins tend to work in sync, and most of the time this is ridiculously adorable. They nestle together with a baby bible between them, they move magnets on the fridge in graceful choreography, they coordinate their imaginary culinary efforts with a simple and sufficient three-word conversation. But piss the pair of them off, and you will regret it in the deepest part of your being. The sound of twin toddler fury is more than double its singleton counterpart: It is somehow increased exponentially, perhaps a product of that same mysterious power that first split one bundle of cells into two whole people.

As most toddlers do, my twins have quirky little mispronunciations. Words that begin with c and end with p are inverted, and the p is changed to a b, so, for instance, “cup” becomes “buc.” This is all perfectly cute and funny until they want a chip. Go ahead and translate that into Twin Toddler; I’ll give you a minute.

Others of their mispronunciations are created with no apparent structure. I honestly cannot tell you why “pasta” sounds exactly like “asshole.” I can only assure you that it will be some time before our family goes out for Italian.

When you couple these creative pronunciations with the terribly finite patience of an 18-month old and then calculate the exponential value of twins, the result is a reverberating madness. It is an alarming thing to be serving up dinner and suddenly hear a duet of voices demand from high chairs, “Asshole! Asshole!

One time I made the mistake of sharing my Ruffles with my little darlings– I just could not produce pieces fast enough on their trays. Small and mighty voices insisted, “More, bitch!” And I felt quite sure they meant it.

  • http://wendisnuttylife.blogspot.com/ Wendi

    I could not help but laugh my butt off reading this. I’m not a mom but these are the stories I love to hear from my friends who are moms. So I will definitely be passing this entry around to several people I know.

    Excellent read!

  • http://Www.8hands2hold.com Troy

    I needed a face aching laugh today. Thanks for sharing.

  • UG

    Twins babble and cuss
    When the food’s not fast enough
    Smother them with love

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Ha! Love it.

  • Raine

    You have me laughing out loud as I revel in the silence that has fallen upon my house now that my two little ones are in bed. There was definitely a reason God did not have twins in store for me! Thank you for the chuckle, Mari.

  • Mom

    LOL!!! Freakin’ hysterical!

  • jenny

    this is hilarious!!!!! Thanks for the laughs!

  • Psycho Dad

    No twins at our house, but when they’re less than 18 months apart, the force multiplier effect is still in place. It might not be exponentially larger than just one crabby pasta lover, but it is larger just the same!

    This made me laugh when I needed it… Thanks.

    (Our two year old says “no” when he means “yes”… That makes for some challenging interactions 😉

  • the Madness Of a Mom

    Oh how do I know this oh so well. So glad to see I am not the only twin mom that has these experiences!

  • http://www.hollowayclan.blogspot.com Becky

    I’m dying laughing over here. That was the best story!

  • http://breadtobeeaten.wordpress.com breadtobeeaten

    Love that Lamott quote. Meant for you! And your kids and their wordage=awesome. You’re a good mom. 🙂

  • http://www.theviewfromthejohnsons.blogspot.com Ali

    i am LOL’ing! that is HYSTERICAL! (and it reminds me of my son at the age of two circling every chair he came near proclaiming, “SHIT!” just so everyone would know that HE knew you were supposed to SIT in a chair. :-/ )

  • Sandy

    Love it!

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