Now Serving B*tches and *ssholes
I can’t say it any better than Anne Lamott: “Toddlers can make you feel as if you have violated some archaic law in their personal Koran and you should die, infidel.” When you have twin toddlers, this is an especially frightening phenomenon. One furious small person is a struggle; a matching set of them is Game Over.
My twins tend to work in sync, and most of the time this is ridiculously adorable. They nestle together with a baby bible between them, they move magnets on the fridge in graceful choreography, they coordinate their imaginary culinary efforts with a simple and sufficient three-word conversation. But piss the pair of them off, and you will regret it in the deepest part of your being. The sound of twin toddler fury is more than double its singleton counterpart: It is somehow increased exponentially, perhaps a product of that same mysterious power that first split one bundle of cells into two whole people.
As most toddlers do, my twins have quirky little mispronunciations. Words that begin with c and end with p are inverted, and the p is changed to a b, so, for instance, “cup” becomes “buc.” This is all perfectly cute and funny until they want a chip. Go ahead and translate that into Twin Toddler; I’ll give you a minute.
Others of their mispronunciations are created with no apparent structure. I honestly cannot tell you why “pasta” sounds exactly like “asshole.” I can only assure you that it will be some time before our family goes out for Italian.
When you couple these creative pronunciations with the terribly finite patience of an 18-month old and then calculate the exponential value of twins, the result is a reverberating madness. It is an alarming thing to be serving up dinner and suddenly hear a duet of voices demand from high chairs, “Asshole! Asshole!”
One time I made the mistake of sharing my Ruffles with my little darlings– I just could not produce pieces fast enough on their trays. Small and mighty voices insisted, “More, bitch!” And I felt quite sure they meant it.