Tamára Lunardo

Author & Editor



June 2010



The Great Mom Divide: Are You a Newbie or a Veteran?

Written by , Posted in humor, life, Uncategorized

There are all sorts of mothers, but I’ve noticed that you can generally divide us into two groups: newbies and veterans. It’s not just a matter of how long you’ve been a mom– one of my friends has a one-year old and a total veteran approach, and another has two school-aged kids and still acts like a newbie. Duration counts for something, but when it comes to determining if you’re a newbie or a veteran at heart, it’s mostly about attitude. Which side do you fall on?

1. Your baby is crying, so you_____.

A. Abandon all other duties and hold him. The. Entire. Day. (This may or may not involve the use of a baby-carrying sling/backpack/wrap.) You will not give him a pacifier because The Almighty Parenting Book says that he is “developmentally capable of self-soothing.” -3pts

B. Pick him up long enough to pop a binky in his mouth, which you loudly justify by its promise of future orthodontia avoidance, and then promptly re-buckle him into a swing/bouncy chair/jumping device so that you can “get on with things.” +3pts

2.  Your preschooler asks to watch t.v., so you ____.

A. Perform an elaborate puppet show for her involving at least five different voices and a minimum of three costume changes per puppet. At the conclusion of the show, you immediately begin a two-hour nursery-rhyme readathon lest she should still have any notion of partaking in such brain-draining activities as “vamanosing” with Dora the Explorer. -5pts

B. Flip on any station containing animated people, and offer a silent prayer of thanksgiving for this babysitter with 24-hour availability and no urge to raid your pantry. You quickly change the station when you hear Cartman telling your three-year old, “Screw you guys, I’m going home” and then resume internet browsing, figuring no harm, no foul. +5pts

3. It is the first day of summer vacation, and you are feeling ____.

A. Overjoyed that you can finally have your precious darlings all to yourself, free from the greedy clutches of their school teachers. You have a full itinerary planned for each day, including excursions, field trips (of course you know the difference!), experiments, art projects, themed snacks, and advanced water games. -2pts

B. Overwhelmed, nearing the point of mild substance abuse. You have no idea what you will do with the wild, fighting, vociferous beasts that will be tromping sand and finger paint through your living room for the next two and a half months. +2pts

4. You’re watching your friend’s toddler for the morning and he develops a runny nose, so you____.

A. Call your friend in a tizzy and demand that she come collect her grimy germbag before he infects your Immaculate Child. While you wait in outrage, you ceremonially wash all available hands with antibacterial soap and follow up with hand sanitizer. You make an appointment with the pediatrician for that afternoon. -4pts

B. Wipe his nose and then check everyone else’s drippage while you’re at it. You ardently hope that, whatever is going around, your kids all get it at once so as to cut down on sick time. (You may or may not intentionally expose your kids to the latest germ by re-using the original tissue.) +4pts


-14 to -1pts: Newbie. The Almighty Parenting Book is your bible. You might want to go have a Screwdriver with a veteran mom while her kids show yours how to entertain themselves for an hour.

1 to 14pts: Veteran. You use The Almighty Parenting Book as a coaster for your Screwdriver. You might want to go hang out with a newbie mom and let her show you how to really enjoy your kids for an hour.

0pts: You are a perfectly balanced mom and the rest of us hate you. No Screwdriver for you!

  • Gina

    I scored a solid 14. Can I just say the line “You use The Almighty Parenting Book as a coaster for your Screwdriver.” was hysterical. In my case it’s a Grey Goose and tonic, but that’s just a personal preference. Keep writing, Mari. You never fail to entertain, tug at a heartstring or just make me think. xo

  • http://ourhouseofe.blogspot.com Darcy

    Not sure where I stand….but I have a feverish 2.5 year old watching treehouse right now, with a screaming 6.5 month in a highchair beside me…just so I can sit and eat some lunch. Hopefully the 5 year old is in a better mood when she gets off the bus than when she got on…..
    And I have to admit, my first thought was, “why does she need a coaster for her screwdriver?”

  • Breanna

    I love it! Definitely in the veteran category here, and I even homeschool. (You definitely don’t have to be fanatical to homeschool). I gave up any of those books when Silas was two they just made me mad and still do. Summer is a break for me just because I don’t have to teach. I love how you put things. I’m thinking you’re probably a veteran also.

    • http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com Tamara

      Yep, definitely a veteran. What gave me away? It was the excessive use of “Screwdrivers,” wasn’t it? Darn.

  • http://jamiewrightcr.blogspot.com/ Jamie the Very Worst Missionary

    My score was….. 74?!?! Wtf! I think that makes me a veteran.

    But whatever.

    My third child started biting his nails when he was 2. Another Mom asked me what “major stress” I thought was provoking this “terrible compulsive habit”.
    And I was like, “Oh, do you think I should get him into counseling? Cuz…um, HE’S TWO. He enjoys sitting in his own poop, he eats stale Cheerios off the floor, and his best friend is a dead Rollie-Pollie. I reeeeally don’t think it’s stress-related, I think he just LIKES it. And, frankly, it keeps his nails short so it’s just one less thing for me to take care of.”

    And then we were never invited back but I didn’t care because her kid was kind of a pussy and his head was shaped weird.

    Anyway, the important thing isn’t weather you’re a Newbie or a Veteran. Nope, the important thing is that you stay with your own kind. Trust me.

  • http://www.buriedwithchildren.com Jen

    LOL! I am a total veteran, although, I have to admit that after my oldest was born, I acted like a total newbie but then having triplets pretty much knocked that right out of me. Forever:

  • Anonymous

    HYSTERICAL! Love it!! : )

  • Kelly

    Jamie- hysterical! Yeah I’d get the veteran award here too. Like when my 3rd child dumper my new baby on the floor out of his bouncy seat all I said was “ugh Gracie did you pick him up and drop him or just dump him out?

  • http://dylanandalexandria.blogspot.com Stefanie

    This post had me laughing so hard!
    Total veteran here!

  • Anonymous

    LOL! Nicely done, Mari!

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